don't let me ever forget why i'm doing this!

i went out to the movies tonight and in the middle of the show, i had the worst attack of fibroid pain! it was absolutely terrible. for the past year, i have been getting this same pain, usually on the 1st day of my period (though today is day 2) and it's excruciating. i often equate this pain to what i think being stabbed would be like. people always tell me what pain killers i should try to ease this pain, and i then tell them that when you've been stabbed, ibuprofen, ponstan, or anaprox is not going to help you. NOTHING can touch this pain. i've even been to the emergency dept. at the hospital a couple of times and there's not really anything anyone can do. for one thing, the pain doesn't last very long - about an hour - though it feels like 24 hours!, so by the time i get seen by a doctor, the pain is gone or wearing away.

tonight was a good reminder that i have to go through with this surgery. even the fear of lupron can't scare me away. i was doubled over in that movie theatre crying, clutching my friend, shaking and wondering how am i going to crawl out of there to get to a hospital. i can't do this anymore.

after the pain (and the movie) were over, my friend and i went to a cafe for tea and dessert. i was reading a flyer announcing 'Andrew Weil' coming to town. unfortunately we had missed him - he came last night. however, this was good timing. i remember before reading his books on healthy eating and living and i think i may check them out again. i need to strengthen myself before surgery physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. i'm going to check out his website again and get started onto a path of healthful living. these next 3 months before surgery are going to be so hard, but everytime i want to live in unhealthy ways, not exercise, forget to pray, etc., i'll remind myself of this pain. this will be a motivator to continue onwards in my quest for health.