signing my life away
signing my life away - that's what i did yesterday. i got my third and final lupron injection and went to my pre-surgical appointment at the hospital. i signed so many papers: authorizing the doctor to do a blood transfusion should i need blood during the surgery, acknowledging the risks in the surgery - my bowels could stick to my uterus (isn't that sick?), acknowledging the risk of the blood transfusion, i.e. AIDS, hepatitis, etc. the brochures they gave me to read were kind of funny - letting me know that the risk of getting hit by lightning or a car accident is more likely than contracting AIDS from the blood transfusion. i see where they were going, but when you're already emotionally drained and emotional, any risk of something going terribly wrong is going to freak you out. i was so freaked out after seeing the doctor that i went to mass. i'm not catholic, but i do like to go to beautiful catholic churches and pray and sit. yesterday, the mass was just ending when i got there, but i took communion. i know that i shouldn't take catholic communion, but i really needed to feel close to God. i even sat through the rosary service after mass. i'm not into the whole mary worship, but somehow the repetition of hearing the woman leading the rosary was very comforting. she was so earnest in her words and almost sounded joyful and eager as she recited the 'hail marys' over and over.
anyways, i realize that i didn't do a lot of the things that i had planned to do to prepare for the surgery. i never did go to see an alternative healer. however, i really did give up meat. i haven't eaten meat for about a month and a half now. i've been doing a lot of reading about the hormones in meat, and since fibroids feed on hormones, i decided to give up meat altogether ...well, at least until the surgery. i really do feel good about not eating meat. i'll probably start eating it again at some point, but i have no cravings and i'll probably never be a big carnivore. i think that this is the first time in my life that i've been actually eating the recommended servings of fruits and vegetables daily. i've learned to love tofu. i made a tofu parmigiana - it was great. i'm really finding that cooking vegetarian food has made me a much more creative cook. i have to really think about what i'm going to eat now. when i was eating meat, it was so easy to just make stew chicken and rice (the jamaican in me) all the time, or even not cook and pick up take-out food. now that i'm a vegetarian, it's not so easy to get things that i can eat at many restaurants, so i really have to plan my meals. my doctor says that the fibroids have shrunk a lot in the last 2 months. i'm sure that the lupron was a big cause, but i'd like to think that my healther eating has helped.
though i do feel healthier generally during the day - i've lost weight, i'm more active - the nights are hell! these hot flashes are absolutely horrible. i feel like i haven't slept for 2 months. i wake up about 20 times a night and my sheets feel like they're on fire. i truly can't go on like this. i sometimes stay awake as long as i can because i'm afraid to fall asleep and start the cycle of burning fever/icy chills. thank God the fibroids really have decreased in size because if i went through all of this madness only for there to be no change, i'd be so disapointed.
the surgery is really hitting home now. now i'm realizing that i'm going to be knocked out and cut open in 3 weeks. i think that the appointment at the hospital yesterday just made everything so real. i had to watch a video on what to expect after surgery, and then another one on self-administered morphine drips. i am so afraid of pain, but i also don't like pain-killers. i hate the feeling of not being in control of my body and the feeling of having an active mind inside a body that is numbed out.
anyways, i haven't said much of anything in this entry. just thought that i should write an update.
anyways, i realize that i didn't do a lot of the things that i had planned to do to prepare for the surgery. i never did go to see an alternative healer. however, i really did give up meat. i haven't eaten meat for about a month and a half now. i've been doing a lot of reading about the hormones in meat, and since fibroids feed on hormones, i decided to give up meat altogether ...well, at least until the surgery. i really do feel good about not eating meat. i'll probably start eating it again at some point, but i have no cravings and i'll probably never be a big carnivore. i think that this is the first time in my life that i've been actually eating the recommended servings of fruits and vegetables daily. i've learned to love tofu. i made a tofu parmigiana - it was great. i'm really finding that cooking vegetarian food has made me a much more creative cook. i have to really think about what i'm going to eat now. when i was eating meat, it was so easy to just make stew chicken and rice (the jamaican in me) all the time, or even not cook and pick up take-out food. now that i'm a vegetarian, it's not so easy to get things that i can eat at many restaurants, so i really have to plan my meals. my doctor says that the fibroids have shrunk a lot in the last 2 months. i'm sure that the lupron was a big cause, but i'd like to think that my healther eating has helped.
though i do feel healthier generally during the day - i've lost weight, i'm more active - the nights are hell! these hot flashes are absolutely horrible. i feel like i haven't slept for 2 months. i wake up about 20 times a night and my sheets feel like they're on fire. i truly can't go on like this. i sometimes stay awake as long as i can because i'm afraid to fall asleep and start the cycle of burning fever/icy chills. thank God the fibroids really have decreased in size because if i went through all of this madness only for there to be no change, i'd be so disapointed.
the surgery is really hitting home now. now i'm realizing that i'm going to be knocked out and cut open in 3 weeks. i think that the appointment at the hospital yesterday just made everything so real. i had to watch a video on what to expect after surgery, and then another one on self-administered morphine drips. i am so afraid of pain, but i also don't like pain-killers. i hate the feeling of not being in control of my body and the feeling of having an active mind inside a body that is numbed out.
anyways, i haven't said much of anything in this entry. just thought that i should write an update.
posted by beautifulzion @ 12:09 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home