look and live

went to church today. i really needed it. 'look and live' was the last song that we sang and it just seemed to give me the hope i needed today. i was so down today, and tired and scared and paranoid . i couldn't get the surgery off my mind. i kept thinking about the doctors cutting open my stomach. i kept wondering if i'm doing the right thing. i'm 37. i don't know that i'm still going to have children. if i'm not going to have kids, then why don't i just get the embolization surgery or even a hysterectomy and be done with all of this pain forever? church just inspired me today and gave me the strength that i needed. i'm a musician, so music always means a lot to me, but today music touched my soul. the choir sang this song that i love "shout to the lord" and i just fixated on the section describing God as a 'tower of refuge and strength'. during the altar call prayer, we sang "i surrender all". i just felt like i needed to, as AA says, "let go and let God". i need to surrender to my Creator and stop all of this worrying and doubt. i'll be okay. i am a crier in church. i went up for the altar call and cried like a baby while a church sister prayed for me. it was like she knew i needed some strength today. she spent so much time with me. it was a powerful moment. by the time we ended the service with 'look and live', i was feeling hopeful - i'm looking to God and living, not doubting, not questioning, not obsessing. i am going to need a lot of prayer to get through these next few months!

i've added a couple of links to this blog. one is for dr. weil who i mentioned in the previous post. i really like his thoughts on wellness - connecting mind/body/spirit. he also has some helpful suggestions for foods to eat & avoid for women with fibroids. i also included a link to a site called 'beliefnet'. i go on this site a lot for spiritual issues. it's a site for people all faiths and has prayers, stories, Q & A's, message boards for people of various faiths.

while surfing on the net last night, i found a site for a book called 'it's a sister thing'. it's written by a black american woman who has had 2 fibroid surgeries at a young age and she is now sharing her thoughts , tips and research for black women experiencing fibroid complications. a while ago while doing some research on my gynecologist & surgeon (i always research doctors that i'm seeing - just want to make sure that there's no complaints against them & i like to know where they went to school, when they graduated, etc.), i came upon an ontario research study of over 500 women with fibroids who are contemplating embolization. it's very interesting reading. it also made me angry because the study shows so clearly how black women's symptoms differ from white women and it makes me furious that doctors whom i told about my symptoms for years did nothing and kept telling me that i was just having heavy periods and i should stop worrying. even after i started going to the emergency department for treatment of my extreme pain, my family doctor told me that i should just take anaprox (which i told her i'd taken before) and she said, 'we know anaprox works. there's nothing sinister going on here. dysmenorrhia is common'. this whole fibroid experience has made me realize that women have to be their own advocate, researcher, and bully to get served properly by the medical system. i'm fortunate i have the gift of clear english, higher education, a strong body. god help those who don't.